Berou (Regrets) - before editing - I beg your leniency

n Lewe sonder Berou

In my vroe twintige jare was ek in n baie ongelukkige lewens situasie. Ek het nie geweet wat depressie is nie.  Ek was oortuig dat my lewe n totale  mislukking was en het dit ernstig oorweeg om my lewe te be-eindig. In my emotionele ‘roller coaster’ het ek geglo dat dit die beste oplossing sou wees vir almal.  In later jare het my neef, saam met wie ek groot geword het, selfmoord gepleeg.  Toe eers het ek besef watter hartseer dit veroorsaak vir die wat agter bly. Dit het baie moed gekos om verantwoording te aanvaar vir my eie foute en te kies om te LEWE!

Dit is nie maklik om n stap in die onbekende te neem nie.  Ons moet geloof en VERTROUE he dat ons GELY en BESKERM sal word wanner onsekerheid n besluit bevraag. Ons almal staan voor enorme uitdagings.  Nie net op n persoonlike vlak nie, maar polities en wereld uitdagings is op n krisis punt. Dit verg daagliks moed om klein uitdagings te hanteer en te voltooi.

Ek het onlangs n boek van die 5 gemeenste Mense Lewens Berou gevind. “Life Regrets of the Dying”. Die Outeur is n verpleegster wat mense die laaste weke van hulle lewens versorg.  In die laast tyd val al die onbelangrike daaglikse fokus weg en bly net die herinnering aan wat WAS of KON gewees het.

Die vyf mees in gemeen aspekte van BEROU:

1.       Ek wens ek het die moed gehad my lewe opreg vir MY te lewe in plaas van wat ander van my verwag het.  Ek berou al die onvervulde drome….baie het nie eers EEN droom bewaar nie – en het berou oor lewensbesluite wat hulle geneem of nie geneem het nie.(blykbaar by VER die mees algemeene berou) 

 Sydney Smith:” Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time, it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable”

2.       Ek wens ek het nie so hard gewerk nie

3.       Ek wens ek het die moet gehad om my gevoellens te wys/betuig

4.       Ek wens ek het met my vriende in verbinding gebly

5.       Ek wens ek het myself toegelaat om gelukking te wees.

“Ons is wat on voorgee om te wees – wees versigtig wat jy voorgee! Dit verg MOED om volwasse te word en te wees wie jy regtig is.”

Mag u aan u self LEWENS medaljes toeken van: dapperheid (courage)       goedhartigheid (kindness)                       goeie voornemens (resolve)      verbeeldingsrykheid(imagination)     entusiasme (enthusiasm)    eerlikheid (work ethic)    geloof en vertroue (leaps of faith)

n Geliefde familie lid het eenkeer vir my gese:  “I love that you are brave enough to make mistakes” .  Dit verg moed om verantwoordelikheid te aanvaar as jy verkeerd is en te begin om n brug te bou in plaas van mure.  Dit is net ons eie Gedagtes wat ons gevange hou.

Maak n punt daarvan om meer te GLIMLAG en om meer te VERTOU en wees oop vir elke wonderlike MOONTLIKHEID.  Met MOED in jou hart en GOD by jou sy kan jy begin om die LEWE wat jy graag wil lewe, te begin ontwerp. ( With courage in your heart and God by your side you can take a stand.  Take a deep breath and begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.)

Hang a wind chime outside your window so that you can hear the gentle breeze - NO REGRETS!           

Daar is n spreekwoord:  Die Lewe is n Keuse – Kies om te Lewe

If I Had My Life To Live Over  - Nadine Stair (85 yrs old)

I am one of those people who live

Sensibly and sanely hour after hour day after day.

Oh, I’ve had my moments,

And if I had it to do over again,

I’d have more of them.

In fact, I’d try to have nothing else,

Just moments, one after another,

Instead of living so many years ahead of each day.

I would start barefoot earlier in the spring

And stay that way later in the autumn

I would go dancing more often

I would ride more merry-go-rounds

I would pick more daisies

ADVERT:

Trauma/anxiety/depression       Karin Engman  

017 8111136        comments: thehummingbird@vodamail.co.za

Integrity

I N T E G R I T Y – H O N E S T Y  -  R E S P E C T

When we moved to Ermelo eight years ago, someone told me that Ermelo was the boiling pot of the old South Africas’  racial divide.  This may be so, but I have also experience/heard about many heart-warming stories of kindness,  of patience and of tolerance.  

I wonder how many of you read the piece in the Sunday Times by the columnist Ndumiso Ngcobo?  The story was about a well- known black South African artist who stopped in a small Free-state town and was approached by  a young white boy:  ”  the barefoot, shirtless, dirty white boy “respectfully”  addressed the black artist, ………. :Asseblief Oom Ka**ir, koop vir my n roomys.”  At first he was obviously taken aback, and believing that he had heard wrong, he asked the boy to repeat what he had just said.  The artist realized that there was no disrespect intended and this boy was simply a product of his environment. Obviously this is by no means an acceptable or excusable behaviour.  Sadly I still hear the ‘K’ word far too regularly.  When I hear it from young children, it puts a shiver up my spine – what chance does this country have if we do not teach our children right from wrong.

 I found a quote that says: “Live your life in the manner that you would like your children to live theirs”.

We as parents are our childrens’ greatest influence.  Formal education and Life can teach many things but the power of teaching by example is in the hands of the parents/guardians.    A life lived with integrity rewards you with SELF-RESPECT. Each time we disregard what is right, we diminish our self respect.   

“It is not living as such that is important as it is to living rightly.”  Because we have no enforcement of law(!) does not mean that a law no longer applies.  There is no small wrong or big wrong – wrong is wrong.

It is human nature to point out the wrong in others and therefore feel better about ourselves.   Many might also say: “I am only one person to try – I say I am one less to quit.  “It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness”.  We are all playing for the same team – we need to all pull in the same direction. We all want the same thing:  a roof over our heads, safe streets, education for our children.  This is NOT a black or white thing – it is a basic human need.  Come on!!  Let’s live like we are playing for the same team – we are all South Africans.

If you want to be respected, you must first respect yourself.  Self-respect is the fruit of discipline, the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no, when you know what is right and what is wrong.

Mahatma Ghand said:  In matters of style, swim with the current, in matter of principle, stand like a rock. The future depends on what we do in the present.

Currently there is an URGENCY for CHANGE.  We know that all is not well – politically, economically and otherwise. Change will not fall out of the sky.  We all need to contribute towards change. If we all light one candle, we contribute towards adding LIGHT.

One must judge men not by their opinions but what their opinions have made of them .                    GC Lichtenberg 1789

My prayer today:                                                                                                                               Let light stream forth into the minds of men.
Let Light descend on Earth.

From the point of Love within the Heart of God
Let love stream forth into the hearts of men.

From the centre where the Will of God is known
Let purpose guide the little wills of men -

From the centre which we call the race of men
Let the Plan of Love and Light workout.

Let Light and Love restore God’s  Plan on Earth.

ADVERT:   Trauma/Anxiety counselling  Karin Engman  017 8111136                                         comments: thehummingbird@vodamail.co.za

Healthy Decisions and Life Choices

Healthy Decisions and Life Choices

Someone once wrote: “wrong choices of the past may feel like failure – turn failure into fertilizer and use it to grow”. We can’t change our past but we certainly CAN change our future.

The blessings of Motherhood surprised me in my early forties and changed me profoundly. Generationally we want to give our children everything and especially that, which we might not have had ourselves.  I promised myself and my unborn child, that I will teach her the Life Skill of making Healthy Choices .  My early adult choices were mostly impulsive, throwing caution to the wind – with negative results.  I also made decisions based on what I thought was expected of me, by my parents or society – with equally negative results.   

Our Emotions are the real driving force behind our thinking.  Our decision making is profoundly influenced by the circumstances of our life and then of course our life is profoundly influenced by our decisions. The ability to make healthy decisions  and choices is vital to a life moving in a positive direction instead of sliding out of control. 

On a scientific level it is obviously not a simple matter.  Many areas of the brain are participants in each individual’s capacity to make healthy decisions.  The ability to reason with logic is a big part although the emotional centres influence this process and complicate things.  The logical part of the brain needs to measure how it FEELS about the decision before being able to finalize the process. 

Aristotle once wrote:  “Anyone can become angry.  But to become angry with the right person to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way – that is not easy.” In other words, our rational brain needs to communicate to our emotional brain so that a healthy decision can be made.  This is a very individual process and can be completely different from one person to another.  The question is: are we in touch with both areas and allowing this process to take place in order to reach the correct conclusion

We all make poor choices, however, to repeat the same mistake is regrettable. If we can learn from each other, we could make a lot of LIFE COMPOST. As Oprah says:  One thing I know for sure:  We don’t know what goes on in the private lives of even those closest to us.  Therefore we can’t stand in judgement. Each one of us has to take responsibility for choices and live with the consequences. It is a VERY important Life Skill and responsibility to learn how to make choices that are right and healthy for us as an individual, which in turn has an effect on community, country and the planet.

With our INTEGRITY in place, our individual Spiritual/Religious Convictions, our upbringing, our parents and teachers, as guidance – we are all challenged every day to make a CHOICE, even if it is seemingly unimportant.  The answer lies in getting out of your head and into your heart.                  The TRUTH lies in the HEART.

 Life is not complex. We are complex. Life is simple, and the simple thing is the right thing. --Oscar Wilde

Extra-Ordinary

 EXTRA-ORDINARY

Even though it was a lifetime ago, I remember my first year in high school so very well. I grew up on the countryside and only started wearing school shoes in grade 7, in preparation for high school.  I went from being a day scholar for seven years, to being a border.  Going home once every 6 weeks, was a huge adjustment. Emotionally I was still a child and had to toughen up fast. I was not comfortable with the teaching language, and faced daily ridicule from the city kids. I definitely did not qualify for the ‘cool’ group.  I was literally thrown into the deep end. Instead of sinking, I kept my head above water and eventually learnt to swim.

Looking back, I remember feeling so ordinary and longing to be accepted.  It was only in later years when I eventually learnt, that there is no such thing as an ordinary person. Regardless where you come from or what your circumstances are, it’s a matter of belief.

I recently watched the US Masters and like many of you, I would have liked our homeboy Louis Oosthuizen to win. Instead, Bubba got in a magnificent saving shot and took the trophy. With no formal training or qualifications, and a name like Bubba, he now ranks among the world’s best golfers.  What an inspiration!

Some might think it is impossible to change the future – but in reality the future is only what you make it. Life always comes with a choice. We all have a special purpose.  We do not need to be a hero, or a Mother Theresa. We can all contribute towards humanity, each in our own small way. 

A wise person wrote: “ Lasting happiness comes from the size of our impact not the size of our income – Real fulfilment is a product of the value we create and the contribution we make.           Self-worth is much more important than net worth”

Be significant, make your life matter.  Here lies the difference between feeling ordinary to being EXTRAORDINARY.    

As the saying goes: “It is not the breath we breathe that counts, but every moment that takes our breath away”

Advert  “The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little EXTRA”                              Karin Engman Life Coach   Bioscience Centre   Ermelo                 017 8111136

Face your Fears

Face your Fears

An elderly person once said to me:” Life is not a dress rehearsal.  Even when we get the chance to rehearse and practice, we never seem to get to the grand opening. You know this for sure when you have more yesterdays than tomorrows.”

If only….. or …. What if….. may hold us back from taking that all important first step.  ”Baby Steps” – the smallest action is worth much more than the boldest of intentions.

Looking back on my life, I notice that every time I was in personal trouble, I signed up for something adventurous.  In hindsight, this seem to take the focus away from myself and the challenging situation. After a specific personal accomplishment, I was a changed person with more strength to face what I needed to face.

One of the adventures was becoming a scuba diver.  Even though I am comfortable in water, I had to force myself to push the deflate button to start sinking and start breathing under water. Instinctively my brain screamed “DANGER”! Once I mastered the basics I was amazed.  The weightless feeling and the beauty under water was breath taking.

 Overcoming the fear of night diving was the biggest challenge for me.  I had seen the movie Jaws and of course also knew that sharks hunt at night.  My courage was tested to the limit.  However, the sense of accomplishment  was well worth it.

Courage is the only way to live.  Bravery is not something you feel.  It is something you show.

 By embracing your fears you become exhilarated instead of hysterical.

Move out of the safe harbour. True bravery can only happen in the face of fear.  If you are not afraid, how can your actions be brave? 

Perhaps doing one thing you are frightened of, may just make life less scary in the long run.

Fear can hold us back.  It keeps us in our comfort zone, which is actually the lesser safe place to be. 

On the other side of fear is strength! Every time we push through fear, we gain a little more freedom.

As the saying goes:  “the greatest risk in life is taking no risk”

Authenticity

Authenticity – be true to yourself

On a recent course I attended the facilitator did a one on one introduction with each participant.  We had to stand, stretch our arms out wide, with closed eyes answer the question:  Who are you? The answer was not: “a wife, a mother, a teacher, a student or a friend” 

Would you have the answer to this question? Do you know who you are – truthfully?

We hide behind career, children and life stress, NOT to be alone with our thoughts.  When we have alone time, we find something to keep us busy instead.  Society, culture/religion and family expectations can be intimidating and overwhelming. 

Repeated criticism and abusive relationships undermine our self-worth.  Gradually we may even believe the accusations to be true.  Perceived imprisonment in a committed relationship can be destructive and with time gradually result in simply disconnecting.  

At what point do we give up trying to be true to ourselves?  When do we simply believe a situation to be hopeless?   When do we stop caring?   Finding a coping mechanism often results in harmful and damaging behaviour. 

Mostly, addiction is a gradual process, starting with a perceived coping mechanism, that eventually becomes a way of life.  Addiction takes many forms, i.e. food, pain tablets, extreme sport, sex, drugs, alcohol and so on.  As a friend reminded me:  Condemn the sin and not the sinner.

When we get lost in the maze of who we are, who we are expected to be, and believe that we will never live up to the expectations, we disconnect.  Without the life line, to that which I value within myself, we simply stop caring.  We give up on ourselves and then are able to engage in addictive behaviour.

If you wait for the right time to finally be the REAL you – that time may never come.

A true gift is the commitment to live authentically.  We need to find our own values and live life on our own terms but within and according to our own religious, cultural and social environment.  Only then can we know the hidden self and find our hopes, strengths and weaknesses that make us who we are.

Once we can be completely Truthful and Honest with ourselves, and therefore true to our Spiritual Life Path, then this will bring with it Life Joy beyond our highest imagination. 

Freedom lies in being your true AUTHENTIC self.

As the saying goes:  “There is only one life for each one of us – our own.  Just being yourself, being who you are, is a successful rebellion.”

Advert:  When the world says:  Give up .  Hope whispers:  Try it one more time!

Dare to Live your Dream – published 8/5/12 (Highveld Tribune)

One of the best gifts we can give ourselves is to get rid of excuses.

Rudyard Kipling once wrote:  “We have forty million reasons for failure, but not a single excuse”.

The dangerous thing about excuses is that if we recite them enough times, we actually come to believe that they are true.   

Life itself is a journey – the most important reward is not what you are getting, but who you are becoming.

Most of us tend to undervalue ourselves. 

Somewhere along the way of growing up, we adopt the belief of “not good enough”.  We may dream about doing something or being someone, but find many reasons not to follow this dream.

The fear of ridicule and negative comments has kept me from following some of my dreams.

It is a daily challenge. To be true to myself is like peeling away the layers of an onion.  There is always another layer.

We compare ourselves to others, and always seem to come up short.  We are not rich enough, tall, thin, beautiful or successful enough - as long as we compare, there will always be someone we perceive to be more. 

When we reach certain milestones in life – it is worthwhile taking a little time, taking a fresh look at who we have become.

To be completely honest with ourselves - look into the mirror - see into our own eyes.

We are part light and part shadow – the God light shining from within, holds all the birth gifts and talents. This makes us unique, only we can allow the true authentic self to blossom. 

The shadow holds the life lessons – the challenge to learn from our life experiences/circumstaces and choices that we have made. There is no other person that can fill your role on your stage of your life. Instead of denying the shadow part of ourselves we are freed in the moment of recognition.  It is then that we can begin to work on and change (each in his own conviction)the perceived negative of what  we have become and uncover the full potential of who we are created to be.

Dare to be all of who you can be  - the true authentic you – there is only ONE of YOU!

As the saying goes: “Do not let yesterday use too much of tomorrow”